Here there be spoilers. You’ve been warned.
Well, well, well, we’re off to a . . . stunningly slow start. Sure, the Arya-gorefest was, uhh, disturbing, but it wasn’t exactly edge-of-your-seat television. Then we went to the Citadel for . . . manual labor. Lots of it. Hey, I know CGI is expensive, but couldn’t you have given us a glimpse of a direwolf or, really, ANYTHING except the endless parade of turds in bowls that we were treated to during this season opener? And, seriously, how delicate of a stomach could Sam possibly have? If you’re emptying that many chamberpots, you’re going to have to man up at some point. Or, at least you’d think so . . ..
(Shoutout for Jim Broadbent! Yay!! All the love, Jim.)
My daughter and I were discussing the lack of “pornification” that has gradually been evolving. It’s a good thing, mostly, no more gratuitous shots of naked women that make no sense other than titillation. However, we have finally discovered the secret of how all those brothel workers kept such immaculately shaved lady parts and man-scaped genital regions– the Ancient Valyrian Steel Razor. Washed in wine in between uses, this remarkable weapon has been combating pubic hair since the time of Bran the Builder. I’m sure we’ll see it in use again, they can’t have an entire season without naked people.
This episode, however, was filled with clothing that was Making Martial Statements. People mean BUSINESS, people. Chain linked leather dresses, enough wolf fur to animate an entire pack of direwolves, and very Serious Heels on Daenerys. Honestly, they looked way too sensible, like something Hilary Clinton would wear. But maybe that’s the statement they wanted to make– she’s seriously walking across that sand. (And, yeah, she’s short and needs the boost.)
The winner of the episode, for me, was Euron the not-so-Crow-Eyed. The shirt was awesome, the reckless panache with which he wore it, the cutting remarks about Jaime and his presumed uselessness, it was all win. Sure, he’s not quite the psychotic magician of the novels, but he holds promise. The fleet, which he must have used magic to create, since the Iron Islands famously don’t have much in the way of forests, was impressive, too. I am really enjoying Euron. Right now, he’s the only character that seems to have any sense of humor.
In the North, well, Jon was slow out of the gate, but he did The Right Thing, as he so famously tries to do all the time, and it worked out well so far. I’m sure it will come back to bite him in the ass later. Ghost was still a complete no-show, which breaks my heart, since Ghost pretty much IS Jon’s heart. Budgetary reasons, my left foot. Anyway, Sansa was remarkably . . . dumb. I mean, she overplayed her hand in the clumsiest and most ridiculous way possible. I guess she really did only learn her political lessons from Cersei (and we know how well Cersei plays the game, hah. Subtle is not her gift.) The lovely young Lady of Bear Island made Sansa look like an idiot as she effortlessly supported Jon’s idea of arming girls, stripped the objection from the guy who was objecting, and did it all while looking in-control, intelligent, and truly the essence of a Northern girl. Sansa needs to take notes.
The rest of the episode was pretty snoozy. The Hound saw a vision in the flames, which again we couldn’t see because “oh, no budget for it”, Ed Sheeran sang a song around a campfire but the other guys in the party of soldiers got all the good lines, all the people around Daenerys had to stand around looking uncomfortable and saying nothing while examining a curiously-rotted castle that was occupied as of just a few months ago.
Me, I am not very hopeful yet. There’s way too much IMPORTANCE stamped on every line, and way too few lines that are just people interacting. You can see where the characters are being stampeded, and it’s frustrating me to see how things are falling into patterns that I had hoped would be avoided. I mean, at this point, are we really holding out any hope that Jon and Daenerys WON’T have sex? I don’t want them to, I think they’re a match made in hell, but it sure looks like the pathways are converging with that outcome in mind.
Ah well. Time for me to get busy writing my own Book 2, where I can promise that no cousins will have sex under any circumstances.
In the meantime, yeah, if you want to read another book about dragons, except one where it’s a lot more like the Night’s Watch meets dragons and less like the Dorne disaster, buy my book, now available on Kindle, Dragon Venom.